


if you can't help it then i'll push you away

by Winterboxx



Category: Canada's Drag Race RPF, RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, emotional discussions after sleeping with your best friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:22:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26940607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winterboxx/pseuds/Winterboxx
Summary: "Just because it was easy didn’t mean there weren't nights where Scarlett lay awake, craving the support and warmth of another person. The irony wasn’t lost on them, never allowing themself to be around people long enough to catch feelings or have any shred of vulnerability but still craving it regardless. But even given someone who gave the emotional warmth they craved, it was impossible to open up."aka emotional revelations and letting yourself be vunerable to the your close friend who you just slept with and might be in love withtitle from ghosts by pvris
Relationships: Juice Boxx/Scarlett BoBo (Drag Race)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12





	if you can't help it then i'll push you away

**Author's Note:**

> honeslty idk what possessed me to write this but i love scarlett x juice as a ship and wanted to go a little deeper into scarlett as a charecter, idk if this makes sense or is just my emotional projection and kinda obnixious but i hope people enjoy reading.

Scarlett was used to it by now, the repetition of the same cycle they found comforting. It was easier like this, less worry if there was less time to see the person. Maybe going around and sleeping with friends wasn’t the best idea but sometimes it was the easiest, as long as they left and didn’t make it a big issue it wasn’t a problem. It would lead to jokes down the line about how Scarlett had slept with most if not all of their circle of friends but it was never serious. No one questioned why they never stayed with anyone, or why no one ever stayed with them. It was just how it went.

Just because it was easy didn’t mean there weren't nights where Scarlett lay awake, craving the support and warmth of another person. The irony wasn’t lost on them, never allowing themself to be around people long enough to catch feelings or have any shred of vulnerability but still craving it regardless. But even given someone who gave the emotional warmth they craved, it was impossible to open up. Scarlett just couldn’t even meet their close friends. The idea of it sent them spiralling, no one could know. They couldn’t deal with anything too emotional, it would wreck any ongoing friendships, and losing someone now wasn’t something Scarlett knew if they could come back from or not.

In hindsight, hooking up with Juice was an awful idea. It had always been a little different with her. Juice had no issues being open with her struggles, always turning to Scarlett if she felt particularly bad. If anyone else were this emotionally sensitive, Scarlett would have distanced from them long ago. But Juice was different. She was so sweet and kind but also wasn’t afraid to poke fun at herself or others. Their friendship was built off mutual love and mockery. It was the closest Scarlett had been to a person in a long time but they still weren’t ready to let down the walls. 

The only time Scarlett had shown any vulnerability was involving Juice. If anyone was rude to her it would be Scarlett to immediately jump to her defense, anger rising by the second. Even if she could handle it herself, they wouldn’t let anyone do anything to hurt Juice. The few times Scarlett had cried around another person were with Juice. Someone had hurt her, seeing the usually bright, silly girl so small made their heart wrench. Seeing Scarlett so overwhelmed with empathy for her was enough for Juice to know they were a real friend. Someone she could always rely on as well as the other way around, but Scarlett wasn’t nearly as open as she was. 

It had happened quickly, there was always something a little more to their relationship that both were too scared to explore but one night that fears dissolved, leaving the pair in Scarlett’s bed, on the verge of falling asleep but both not sure how to progress after everything.

“You can leave now, no one normally stays.” Scarlett’s voice was quiet, unnaturally soft. They held back the pain, the desire for Juice to stay, cuddle up to them and comfort the ever-present loneliness that was creeping back upon them. But those were words they couldn’t speak, not like this. It was easier for her to leave, for the feelings to go unspoken and for Scarlett to continue their craving for someone while pushing away anyone who got too close. 

Juice didn’t know if she had the words to respond, only pulling Scarlett into a hug that made everything way worse. All the feelings they were trying to push down were bubbling back up more intensely than ever and it was too much to handle.

Scarlett rolled over, sitting up and trying to steady themself before speaking again.

“Just go, don’t make this complicated.” the words came out harsh, Juice blinked, taken aback by the coldness in Scarlett’s tone before she noticed the slight shake of their hand. Nerves wouldn’t be there if this was as casual as they implied. There was something more to it that Juice couldn’t help but dig at. 

“What if I don’t want to leave?” Juice murmured, wrapping her arms around Scarlett’s waist and laying her head on their shoulder. She could have sworn she felt them relax into her touch but the change was too minimal to tell. 

“Juliana.” The coldness in their tone faltered, what had meant to come out as dismissive was tinged with a sadness that made Juice want to double down on her efforts and help Scarlett no matter how much they tried to push her away. 

“Scar, that’s not going to work. I won’t force you to talk but I care about you and want to help.” 

Scarlett huffed in response, not wanting to admit defeat but the urge to sink into Juice’s arms was growing by the second. The fear of opening up seemed to subside the longer she held onto them. 

“Why? I’m fine. It doesn’t matter. Just go. Please. Don’t do this, Juice.” The snappy tone came back, more biting than ever. Juice tensed at the words, her hands gripping Scarlett a little tighter before going back to how they were. She never let go, just sat there, her head in the same position on their shoulder, not giving in to Scarlett’s self-destructive pleas. 

“Scarly,” Juice began softly. She realised the only way to make this easier was to be blunt. As much as she wished Scarlett would turn around and admit there was something wrong, it was unlikely. They didn’t do vulnerability, why would now be any different. “This isn’t about us sleeping together is it?”

“No!” perhaps too hastily, Scarlett replied. Juice only pulled them tighter at the words. 

“Then just know I care, and that while you don’t want to face anyone because you’re scared, that I’m here if you need to. If you crumble it’s not a bad thing. You’ve helped me through so much I only wish you would help yourself. You deserve better. I’m not leaving until you talk to me.” Juice spoke louder, her words sunk into Scarlett, the genuine care and love in her tone wasn’t lost but made their stomach churn with the number of emotions it brought up. They couldn’t push Juice. She didn’t deserve for it to be treated like nothing happened. But if everything started unraveling, would she look at them the same? Would it break any chance they had at staying so close? Juice was the most stable she had ever felt in another person. The idea of risking that was something they could never face. But she was persistent. Her words hung in the air as she stayed clamped around their back. Her hands would occasionally move up, stroking their hair before lowering back down to squeeze around their waist once more. 

Something started cracking, the walls could only stay up for so long and Juice insisted on seeing the fall. It started softly, a small tremble quivering through Scarlett before they lost the tight grip on their emotions. 

“It’s so lonely. I push everyone away who gets close. I don't want to risk them hurting me, so I hurt myself instead.” There it was, the lack of walls they had been so afraid of for years. But with Juice still wrapped around them, it almost felt safe. That was only scraping the surface, they both knew. But it was the start Juice wanted. She was content to leave it there, let Scarlett put a few light barriers up but not push her away. It was never that simple though. You can’t pry open a seal and then tape it back up. The insides will be touched by the outside world, they won’t be the same, and leaving them won’t end well.

“Well then, I’m not going to let you push me away. Even if I annoy you to no end I'm not leaving. You don’t have to be lonely, not if I'm around. I know it’s hard admitting that, I'm proud of you, Scarlett.” Juice stayed calm, but her words carried such a soft, loving tone that made the enby turn around and burrow themself into her. No words had to be exchanged, only the warmth, physically and emotionally, of having someone there. That was enough. 

“Of course you would say that, you’re different to the others aren’t you Juice,” Scarlett spoke up after a short silence, not leaving the small blonde a chance to reply before continuing. “It’s easy to push people away, they know all I want is something simple, no time for feelings to get involved. But then I thought it was a good idea to hook up with a friend and now we’re here. I can’t push you because I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want to make things change between us. You’re everything I want but you deserve better than someone like me.” 

There it was, the insecurity they fought so hard to keep away, spilled out over Juice before either of them could think about it. The girl took a second to gather her words. Not wanting to hurt someone she cared so much about but needing to be honest about all her feelings on the matter. 

“Scarly, you know how much I care about you. I feel closer to you than anyone. If I made the choice to do this with you, I did for a reason. I wouldn’t still be here if I didn’t want this, we both have our issues, but I don’t care. All I want is you, issues and all.” the shift in Juice’s tone was obvious, the past softness had faded for a calm seriousness. She didn't know if her words would be enough but craved for Scarlett to accept them, even if they disagreed.

“It’s never simple with you, is it? We couldn’t just hook up and move on, there are always feelings with you. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. It would make my life a lot easier if I could be as open as you, but not now.” Scarlett laughed somewhat bitterly, but they sounded almost happy. Just beyond someone who could respond in the way Juice wanted but true to themself all the same. 

Neither quite had the words. All that was left was to admit it, the mutual feelings that had hit their boiling point. It was a terrifying thought, even if it was mutual, how could they go from here? Scarlett felt unfit for carrying Juice’s heart but she wanted nothing more than whatever they could offer. There were so many reasons it wouldn’t work, but cuddling on Scarlett’s bed, their emotions laid bare, it felt like it was only right to throw it in with everything else that had been said.

“I love you, Juice, and if you insist after everything that you want this. If you insist that you want me, I won't push you away. I just don’t think I-” Scarlett was cut off by Juice pressing their lips together once more. This wasn’t the first kiss they had shared, but it was the most telling of everything. It was far from perfect, the shock of it had startled Scarlett into not quite knowing how to respond. But it was soft and sweet all the same, not covered by lust or unspoken feelings. They broke apart while the feeling lingered, the clarity of everything was welcomed, maybe things didn’t have to be so complicated.

“I love you too, and I’ll help you love yourself. You deserve it, and I deserve all the love I know you’re going to give me.” 

Was it as simple as that? The months of anxiety, the years of not knowing if they could even give the right person love. It all fell to Juice and her persistent love. Scarlett couldn’t have dreamed of it going any better, no matter how much it may have hurt getting there. 

They’d wake up the next day, noting Juice still cuddled into them, peacefully sleeping as if everything was okay. Maybe it was. Maybe openly loving wasn’t something to fear, not for her sake. Because Juice stayed, she cared, she put in so much effort and she deserves someone to give her the same amount of effort back. No matter how much it hurt, or how terrifying it was, Scarlett would be better. They had to be.


End file.
